bride’s speech

How to be married, according to horror movies

gillman wedding small

I got married! Though it’s not traditional for the bride to give a speech, I decided that was sexist nonsense, and wrote something to deliver to friends over a celebratory dinner. And, well, I thought I’d share it here, too. So here you go:

“As you’ll probably know, Craig and I watch a lot of horror movies. And actually they can teach you a lot about relationships. So, based on what I’ve learned from the movies, I’d like to promise Craig some things for our marriage, in front of you guys.

Here goes:

  • I promise I will never deliberately move us into a house where all the previous occupants were horribly murdered
  • I promise I won’t secretly join a cult and sacrifice you to Satan
  • I also promise I won’t openly join a cult and make a suicide pact with you
  • I promise I won’t use an Ouija board to invite demons into our home
  • And if we do end up with a demon in the house, I promise I’ll prioritise getting rid of it over filming it
  • I promise I won’t suggest a winter getaway to an abandoned hotel and end up chasing you around with an axe
  • I promise to never read the Latin
  • I promise I won’t scheme to murder you for the inheritance
  • If we ever have any pets, and they die, I promise not to bury them in a cursed burial ground to try to bring them back to life
  • I promise not to push you down a well
  • I promise not to insist on adopting an orphan who turns out to be a 40-year-old murderess
  • I promise not to attempt teleportation
  • Actually I promise not to attempt any kind of weird science that might result in either me turning into a monster or me building a monster in the basement
  • I promise not to turn into a leopard.

Mostly, I promise not to murder you! Let’s finish with a toast – to a totally non-horrific marriage!”

Cheers to that.